Sophomore Year

Exploding a Moment in Time

           Taking in the scent of Christmas morning I look around the beautifully decorated and visually stimulating tree, searching eagerly for the array of colorful gifts waiting for me. I thinking about the time taken to produce something so wonderfully vibrant and it makes me feel extremely grateful to be able to soak in the exquisiteness and elegant glamour. I also remember how much preparation it takes to celebrate this amazing holiday that I wait an entire year for. Camera flashes blind me as my dad keeps telling everyone to smile. I resentfully listen and obey. I know in the back of my mind that it would be a Christmas miracle if I am to get the present that I have been longing for these past months.  At the same time I feel guilty for being so materialistic. I have so much and there are so many people in the world who have nothing. I look at the older of my two young cousins. He is excitedly examining the cookies and milk that he truly believes  Santa had eaten. My youngest cousin, meanwhile is shaking a perfectly wrapped box, craving to know what delightful surprise is waiting for him inside. My mom hands me a package.  I look at it and say a silent prayer. I start to gently tear the red sparkling wrapping paper ever so carefully. I didn’t want to damage the contents. Is it the incredible surprise that I desire more than anything else? The package is taped so tightly, making sure that not one part of the mysterious present shows. I struggle to split the delicate pieces of tape in half while suspense eats me alive. The expectant look on my Mom’s face makes me believe that my wishes may come true. I begin to feel very appreciative as I think about all the effort she puts into making me happy. I’m deliberately peeling the paper away so slowly, feeling the eyes of everyone in the room staring at me in anticipation. I feel nervous and nauseas, with butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I don’t want to be disappointed. Will my face show the discontent and disillusion of a spoilt brat as I get my first glimpse of my gift? I don’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings because I know they are doing their best for me and only want me to be happy. Were my expectations too high? The paper is finally destroyed and I remove my prize from the box. Could it be? I pick it up and bring it close to my face so I can fully read and examine the mysterious gift. A picture of a cell phone comes to view. I glance up at my mom and dad, feeling very confused and see them grinning back at me. I glance down again and realize that it is a Christmas miracle.  A huge smile suddenly starts to form on my face. I cannot control it and it won’t go away. For the past couple of months I have been longing for my very own phone and now I finally have one!  I peek at my cousins and can see how envious they are of me.  This makes me feel even more extraordinary. My Christmas wish has come true and I am the happiest girl in the world!

This piece was written sophomore year which means that almost two years have gone by since I read it. I saw a lot of things that I liked and was very impressed at the level of writing that I forgot I had as a sophomore.  There were, however, adjustments that could be made:

1.    Throughout the piece it seems as though the adjectives and verbs were very forced. I seemed like I was just using an excuse almost to put them it and that they didn’t belong at all. When writing I feel like there is sometimes a pressure put on the writer to use big words to make whatever they are writing about more sophisticated. It definitely seems like I was affected by that. It seemed at times that I should have had words that displayed a lot more simplicity than the ones I chose.

2.    I also noticed throughout the whole piece, I used the word “I” very frequently. Since the piece is written in the form of first person and seems like a narrative, it is expected to have a lot of “I”s in it. But I spotted too many after reading it the first time. So, will need to go through and rephrase a lot of sentences to get rids of the “I”s.

3.    The last thing I thought that I could have changed was the ending. It seemed like it ended with an almost “Happily Ever After” ending. I wish I had written it with something crazy and exciting happening in the very end.

4.    I should have also made this piece into multiple paragraphs. It is definitely way too big to be one big paragraph.